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One retired mother in a quaint seaside village in Connecticut spent her December weekends waiting in line at the post office to send bird feeders, seed towers, and other accoutrement of birdscaping to her three children, each of whom live in a large city occupied by pigeons.

“They’ve done studies in Europe saying people are happier interacting with numerous bird species in their daily life,” said Evelyn Schwartz, 62, of Old Saybrook. “And I just want my children to be happy. …

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I didn’t want to travel for the holidays. Not in a pandemic. Not to Central Pennsylvania and your Fox News, Pirro-hero parents. And definitely not once I picked up a cough from my pandemic job delivering packages for Amazon. So, I’m sorry that I gave your mother COVID, but it’s not completely my fault.

Listen, we made our vows, now we have to sleep in them. If “for richer or poorer” means that when I get laid off, I have about a week to get back on the pony — during a worldwide economic shutdown — before I succumb and take a job at Amazon, then “in sickness and in health” means you can’t divorce me just because I brought a raging pandemic into your ancestral home. You know how I feel about Scamazon. But I put up with the shame, the working conditions, and the daily interactions with unmasked heathens, just to keep us afloat. And by “us” and “afloat” I mean “you” and “your insistence on throwing money at Blue Apron even though before March your idea of ‘cooking’ was microwaving Pop Tarts.” But I did it. …

2020 has wrestled humanity to the depths of three pandemics: COVID-19, white supremacy, and Donald Trump’s sore losing. Each week brings a top ten list of new horrors. While we at Thought For Food™ can’t predict the future, we’re sure you’ll agree that if you don’t see another waking moment of 2020, that won’t be the worst that could happen.

Now more than ever — we need hibernation.

With that, welcome to our Thanksgiving Feast 2020 Recipe Guide: a five-course meal to put you safely* to sleep until January 20, 2021.

* Our lawyers insist we clarify that this recipe list is primarily for our white readers, not simply because there are so few spices involved, but because we cannot without liability imply that our readers of color will be safe during a two-month hibernation. Consuming raw or undercooked meats, poultry, seafood, shellfish, or eggs may increase your risk of foodborne illness, and hibernating-while-Black may not decrease your risk of police brutality. …

It’s not the first time I’ve brought a boy home for the holidays, but it might be the last. Freshman year, I brought Aidan home for a long weekend. Aidan grew up in Providence, majored in political science, and only read non-fiction. My first serious boyfriend.

Kyle is not serious. Kyle went to clown college. Technically the L’Ecole Internationale de Theatre Jacques LeCoq, but what sounds important in French actually just adds up to mime class, clown class, and balloonistry lab.

We met in February in my bookstore. I was organizing “Religion” and he chatted me up. I’d agreed to dinner before I realized he’d been browsing the “Magic” shelf. We had a few dates, and when the pandemic hit, we dove in. I’d fallen for his quaint vocabulary, his love for Keaton and the Marx Brothers, his ability to make light of the darkest moments — even in the pandemic. So, when we found ourselves quarantined together for six months, I went with it. …


John J King

John J King is part Texan & part T-Rex, and lives in NYC where he makes plays, jokes, songs and films. His mission: To Create and Spread Delight.

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