Menu For A Thanksgiving Feast That Will Put You To Sleep Until Inauguration Day

2020 has wrestled humanity to the depths of three pandemics: COVID-19, white supremacy, and Donald Trump’s sore losing. Each week brings a top ten list of new horrors. While we at Thought For Food™ can’t predict the future, we’re sure you’ll agree that if you don’t see another waking moment of 2020, that won’t be the worst that could happen.

Now more than ever — we need hibernation.

With that, welcome to our Thanksgiving Feast 2020 Recipe Guide: a five-course meal to put you safely* to sleep until January 20, 2021.

* Our lawyers insist we clarify that this recipe list is primarily for our white readers, not simply because there are so few spices involved, but because we cannot without liability imply that our readers of color will be safe during a two-month hibernation. Consuming raw or undercooked meats, poultry, seafood, shellfish, or eggs may increase your risk of foodborne illness, and hibernating-while-Black may not decrease your risk of police brutality.

FOR STARTERS: Fried Grasshoppers

From bears to bats, hibernating animals rely on insects to fatten up for the long winter. Insects are high in protein and fats. More importantly in this 2020 economy, they’re cheap!

Clean grasshoppers.

Dip in an egg-wash and roll in flour.

Fry in canola oil for five minutes.

Serve!

Substitute insects from your own yard for a locavore variation. My family has a to-die-for three-generations’-old recipe for free-range beetles (the in-law side, obviously).

Most hibernators eat twice their body weight in insects daily. That’s a lot of grasshoppers! But don’t spoil your appetite: Thought For Food recommends a petite person’s body weight in grasshoppers for every guest.

APPETIZER: Almonds

Bears love nuts as they prepare for their long winters’ nap, and you will too!

Almonds are rich in melatonin; they’re like Mommy’s Secret Sleeping Pills. Plus, almonds are high in fat, so you’ll have plenty your body can feed off of while you hibernate. This will be important, since you also know that it takes more water to raise almonds than it does to furnish the Los Angeles and San Francisco populations with potable fluids for a full year, a fact which has worsened the effects of the drought and wildfires that still rage! Nut Up, and Sweet Dreams!

Serve Raw.

SALAD: ???

Salad? You’ve had eight months of lockdown to get your shit together and eat healthy, and you DIDN’T, and now you expect a salad recipe from us? Bears don’t eat salad, and you haven’t had fresh produce in months because your husband spent your year’s food budget on canned goods.

Take whatever leftover almonds and grasshoppers you have, mix them up in a bowl with Ranch dressing, serve, and be thankful!

MAIN COURSE: Turkey

Since the Pilgrims celebrated “the first Thanksgiving” — and began the genocide that acts as the thesis statement for everything American that was to come — turkey has been an essential part of this wonderful holiday.

A good turkey honors that history — except for the genocide part — and gets your body ready for the sleep to come. Recent research has shown the “old wives’ tale” around turkey making you sleepy has a basis in science! Turkey is high in tryptophan, which helps your body make melatonin. Pile up the meat and cast off into the dream world. Tryptophan? More like Trip To Fantasyland!

Thaw turkey. Preheat Oven to 325° F.

Remove Giblets (the body’s stand-in for the dark, unacknowledged parts of history).

Stuff Turkey with remaining almonds, grasshoppers, and coat the skin with Ranch.

Cook until meat thermometer registers an internal temperature of 165°.

Let Turkey Rest — lord knows we all need rest.

DO NOT use meat thermometer on children exhibiting COVID Symptoms.

Serve!

Suggested Side:

Thaw out that ninth loaf of sourdough you made in May and still haven’t eaten!

Suggested Wine Pairing:

Italian studies show that red grapes are high in melatonin, so pour yourself a glass or five of Cabernet Sauvign-YAWN and drink up!

DESSERT: Honey Banana Split

You watched that viral video of a cute bat eating a banana when you were supposed to be working from home. Well, it’s not just cute — it’s a sleep aid!

Bananas are high in the tryptophan and magnesium that put you to sleep. They’re also rich in potassium, which will KEEP you asleep! You’ll need that, as news from the contested election continues to rustle outside your sleep mask, like a winter storm clamoring above a bear’s den.

This delicious dish pairs ice cream with a healthy heap of bananas and honey for a sweet end to the meal, and sweet dreams to come!

THE NIGHTCAP

It wouldn’t be a 2020 Feast without a tremendous amount of alcohol. Finish off with a traditional Irish Cold Cure: Whiskey Milk Punch!

The Irish have mastered all the skills needed in 2020, from the burying of emotions, to a relish for black humor, to the Irish Goodbye: which is exactly what 2020 calls for! I can say this because I have red hair, but the greatest contribution the Irish have made is the cure for the common cold and flu: WHISKEY MILK PUNCH.

Passed down from generations, the “Irish Cure” is easy to follow: empty a bottle of whiskey into a pitcher, and place the bottle in a corner visible from bed. Every ten minutes, swig from the pitcher. Repeat until the one bottle looks like three, then go to sleep. You’ll wake up cured of all that ails you.

But 2020 calls for something stronger.

Mix 1 Part (i.e. one Bottle) Whiskey with 3 Parts Milk.

Heat on stovetop and add Honey to taste.

Pour entire mixture into pitcher and place cardboard cutout of Kamala Harris in the corner.

Drink until you’re so drunk you see no fewer than five Vice Presidents Elect smiling at you from her chucks.

Lay down and enjoy your peaceful bliss. You’ve earned it!

We’ll see you in January!